Cancer Schmancer!

“Cancer” is a very scary word and it has different meanings for different people depending on their knowledge and life experience. I had learned that my type of thyroid cancer had an excellent prognosis and that the treatment - even the surgery itself - is really not as bad as it could be. One article had even said that "...if you have to have cancer this is the kind to have." OK, so I’m lucky after all. And there is still a chance, albeit a small one, that it wouldn't be cancer. I avoided telling those close to me the "C" word for fear that they'll feel "pity" which is something I don't want!

Back in November of ‘09 I had horrible pain in my neck, ear, and throat (I went to Lifesigns for a full physical and they caught it!). My boyfriend was unfazed that I was freaking out. His friends, (who now loathe me for no other reason than to "take sides") were offering me support as I waited for the biopsy results to come back regarding my thyroid. A week after the biopsy the doctor's assistant called to tell me that my blood work had come back normal. My thyroid levels were right in the middle of normal ranges, not even on the border. The thyroid itself was a little large (a cyst) and that we would monitor it over the next few months. I was confused because, by this time, I was experiencing unusual fatigue and headaches and just general malaise - just didn't feel like me. But I knew it wasn't cancer so I was just really baffled now about what was causing this. Knowing at this point that I couldn't really confide in my boyfriend regarding my worries, feelings because he was inept to deal with his own much less someone else’s, I just put it in the back of my mind, locked it away, and waited until they contacted me again for a follow up. By now it's January, things have worsen with my boyfriend and his "mental mid-life crisis breakdown" and it was now putting excessive strain on me. I did right by him and everything in our relationship... but it wasn't enough to help get him right in the head. February has approached and I found out I was pregnant. NOT GOOD TIMING. The boyfriend has now been seeing some "UGLY trashbag prostitution whore" from his work, and then I miscarry. Things were going south, and fast. Not only am I dealing with the break-up (because let's be honest here, it was just that because he's now seeing some 26 year old child from his work who's had her period a little over ten years longer than his daughter!), a miscarriage that I suffered/went through alone, and I am BEAT! I mean mentally, physically, and emotionally wiped. I'm really unsure of where the exhaustion stems from, but it's there and I'm on the verge of what I feel as to be dying! In the midst of this mess, I received a letter from the surgical clinic to come back for a follow up for an ultrasound and biopsy. Well HELL NO! I was already in Hell; I wasn't trying to deal with that mess on top of everything else. Well to my own detriment, I should've gone...

By the time I had the miscarriage, I noticed the “lump” in my throat had reappeared so to speak, or felt larger. It seemed like not too long after November, the pain and swelling in my neck went away or dissipated so I just assumed that the cyst was gone. Well it was back. I noticed the pain increasing as I spent weeks bleeding. Weird, I know. Then the pain in my neck/throat went away once the bleeding stopped. Then in the last few weeks the pain came back, but with a vengeance. Not only was my neck/throat killing me, but my arm, shoulder, and my hand felt like someone was straddling my back. My fingers began going numb and tingling… I just knew that I was going to have a heart attack. The pain was enough for me to call back my general surgeon and schedule an appointment. Of course they had to let me know I missed my last appointment… “yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m scheduling now”, I said. It was going to be a week later until I could get in for an ultrasound, biopsy, and to see the doc. I kicked my heels up with my friends but all the while was feeling beyond the “burning the candle at both ends” feelings. I was feeling absolutely terrible. Like I couldn’t function… Like I had taken cold meds all day long, drank, took some more, and throw in some pain pills that kind of run down. Even after “waking up” from my 5 shot Americano, I still felt exhausted. What the hell? Something is not right…

My OB/GYN made a small passing comment after the miscarriage to me about having issues with my thyroid can lead to miscarriages when I told her about the past November. I didn’t think much else about it until I began getting paranoid about my thyroid again, that was two weeks ago. I kept silent because I’ve had so much shit happen to me in the past three months, I did not want any friggin’ pity party bullshit. I did not want people making a big deal, and I certainly didn’t want those small minded people to have anymore ammunition against me thinking that I was seeking attention. That’s not me, that’s not who I am. I’ve kept a lot of my shit away from people specifically for that reason. But I realized those who can’t stop talking about me are the attention seekers themselves! Nevertheless my appointment was yesterday (4/28/10). I took the entire day off because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be there. I went in and sat down at the Imaging Registration Desk on the second floor of St. Thomas Hospital and notice that the lady helping me has a 3 inch scar across her neck. (I’ve begun noticing a lot of scars across ones neck when out. Kinda like the new car that you just bought, we now you see them everywhere, whereas before you never noticed them?) We began talking about my hair, blah, blah, blah and then I proceeded to discuss why I was there getting the ultrasound. She proceeds to tell me that she had part of her thyroid removed. It wasn’t cancerous, but it had a lesion so they decided to get rid of part of it. She said that she felt better, had her energy back, and was glad it happened. She wasn’t the first person I’ve known or heard about that has had thyroid surgery. One of my co-workers has had it, her daughter had it, and my doctor had his completely removed. This seems to be more common than not. So after we wrapped everything up I headed to the imaging waiting area for them to call my name. “Amelia?!” Really? After all these years’ people still refuse to look at how my name is spelled. Usually the lazy ones just omit the “i” and call me “Alma.” It still gets me… I follow the tech back and climb up on the table. We weren’t even a minute in and she’s clicking away. I’ve had my share of ultrasounds and I know when they’re clicking that much, those are necessary pictures to take. She took that wand off my throat for less than 10 seconds only to type some things onto the keyboard with both hands. I’m not stupid. She asked if I was seeing the doctor, and I told her I was headed up after she was through. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she would send a disk up to the front desk to take with me to the 5th floor. They called my name, got my disk, and headed upstairs!

I walked into the office and hand the chick at the desk my disk and she said I will be called back shortly. Shortly was short. I went into the room and immediately began to feel strange about what he was going to say. He walked in, looked at me and asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was feeling lethargic, my neck/throat was hurting, I sound like a man with a raspy tone, my shoulder and arm was killing me, and my finger tips would occasionally tingle. He turned around and said, “That’s exactly the same symptoms I had.” I just said, tell me what I need to know without breaking down and let’s get this over with. He then said, “we need to get it out… it’s grown significantly in size, it’s resting on your vocal box and has attached to some nerve endings. In addition there is a spot on the center of your thyroid, and a small area on the right side. We need to cut the left side out immediately. We will get your regulated on a replacement hormone, and we will need to get you on a calcium supplement consisting of 8 pills per day. But we will figure all of that out when that time comes. Now I’m going to get my secretary Amber to get you scheduled for surgery.” There were other things he said, larynx, trachea, etc., but I heard those key words that I was looking for without him saying that one word that I didn’t want to hear. Well, he did what I asked and with every word he told me what I didn’t want to hear in one word. Cancer. He walked out and a nurse came to get me to take me to his scheduler. I told her that it would have to be after Steeplechase because I already had the dress, hat, shoes, and ticket… so anytime after that would be great. May 14th.

As I walked to the truck I was nervous, but wasn’t upset. I was nervous about having to tell my mother because I didn’t tell her I was going back. I didn’t want to because I didn’t suspect anything wrong, especially after being told in November that we’d just monitor it. I sent a mass text to those that care/knew, and then called Mom. Surprisingly she wasn’t her normal self. She was calm, cool, and collected. We talked for a few minutes then hung up. She called me back 10 minutes later and said that she was coming to pick me up to take me to lunch. She did, and we had amazing Chinese at this place down Highway 96. We laughed about the past few days of fun that I’d had with Denise and our antics, and we talked about how good the food was. The only thing we did talk about from when I called her was if she or Pop could take me to the hospital that morning at 6:30 and take care of Zach throughout that day and overnight (yes, it’s an overnight stay… maybe two days).

So now I wait… I enjoy myself and blow it out over the next two weeks, and know that after it’s all said and done, I will be alright. To the dozens of you that’s been with me through ALL of this bullshit with the ex and up until now, I will never be able to thank you enough! I will keep you updated as “D Day” draws near!  I'm gonna make cancer my BITCH!!!

My fortune from yesterday's lunch with my mom says it all!

It Doesn't Seem to Stop For a Moment

I walk past the doorway for almost two months having not gone in. I've avoided that room every single day since February 15th. I had maintenance come fix the ceiling from a leak, but never entered once they were done. Today I entered it and didn't come out for over an hour. It was the hall/guest bathroom. There were still trails and droplets of blood on the floor that had been covered up by a bath mat. I treated that room as though it was an extension of the hallway wall, that there was no door that it didn't exist anymore. I needed to clean... I needed to clean that bathroom from the "construction" that had taken place, and the aftermath of a loss. I’ve always pride myself as being a strong woman, but for months now I’m weak. Today was an especially weak moment. Today was brutal. Today I lay on the droplet ridden floor and cried and I pain-stakingly rubbed and rubbed those dark rust colored stains off the floor. I didn’t want to for whatever reason, but I had to. I wanted to move from here, and never have to go in that room again. That room has been off limits to anyone besides maintenance. I tell people to use my bathroom in my bedroom that the hall bath doesn’t work. Over time I forgot about that room. The door stayed shut, and I looked at it as though it was merely the wall. Nothing but plaster and paint. Nothing more, nothing less. But today it was so much more. Today it was a flood of emotions, memories, and pain…

Separate Ways

Separate Ways - Teddy Thompson

Come rolling into town unaware

Of the power that you have over me

And what am I to do

With hello how are you

Nothing’s ever said that should be

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I’m turning into me, not you

I can change my mind not my blood

And not all who love are blind

Some of us are just too kind

We forgive too much

And never speak our minds

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I’m giving up on you

And I’ll turn my heart to something new

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I stood out in the rain

Holding my breath

Waiting for you

You never came

You broke my heart

You broke my heart

I know who’s to blame

You’re to blame

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

So sick of people telling me to get over it.

Why don't people understand that I just have a problem acting like my life is not affected and that some people heal at their own rate and time? It doesn't matter how long or how short you lasted, the thing is you were together and there were memories and that makes it hard... It's usually the small ones that pain the most... Small but the impact is huge, or the ones you never really thought of and then BANG!!! It all comes flooding back... How bout all the hopes for the future you held, its hard letting go of all that... It's not impossible, it’s just hard. When a person that you have loved and shared your most deepest thoughts, dreams, goals, friends ambitions and more leaves you, your life takes a crushing blow. I’m sure it can be very difficult for some and devastating for others like myself. But let me reiterate, not only did he leave me, but I had a miscarriage about a week apart, WHILE he was seeing someone else!!! It's been two months since the miscarriage, two months and a week since the split, and people keep telling me to just "get over it." Really? Just like that? You don't tell someone who's just gone into remission with cancer to, "just get over it." Or do you? Well "getting over it" is easier said than done my friend(s). It is the engraving that makes it so hard to get over someone. Especially if it was unconditional love. I have loved someone so much that it becomes impossible to forget him and move on. I have tried, consciously and unconsciously but all in vain. And sometimes I think, it doesn’t deserve to be forgotten... something’s are better when you keep them with you and you are better off with it too. The hardest part is that I respect myself unlike the rest of the party that's involved in "our" relationship. Somewhere along the line "our" relationship became distorted and it became "their" relationship.


So yes I have a problem "getting over it" call it pain, call it me dwelling over something I can't change, call it what you want I just can't get past it right now so why do they try to force me? Am I doing something wrong? Is two months too long to grieve? I don't dwell on it daily but certain things make me sad it may be for a moment it may be a day or two but not like I lay in bed and feel sorry for myself I get up and go go go with my life. Why can I not have those days, moments, or minutes to be sad? Please understand that I just won't "get over it" as you all expect me to do after two major losses in my life that actually meant something to me. Yes, people break up everyday. But people need to understand that I took my relationship and losses a bit more seriously than some do or ever get the pleasure of. So please, please stop asking, suggesting, assuming, or implying me to "just get over it."

I tell everyone I'm fine..but I'm not.

Maybe it's just how I deal. I tell everyone I'm fine, I'm over it, etc. but unexpected tears will come out of nowhere and I know deep inside I'm just not over it yet. Most think I should be “over it” (after almost two months), some even say, “Some people can’t handle life.” Maybe I can’t, maybe my wounds take a little longer than the “average” person to heal. Maybe my heart and mind were more involved in my relationship than most people are or care to be. I feel like a failure cause I couldn't carry a baby, that I couldn't keep a good relationship in tact, that I lost one of the few men that I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with. They told me when I first started here, "don't drink the water or you'll get pregnant!" A friend/co-worker just found out she was pregnant. I've been consciously avoiding her. I haven't been ready to congratulate her. I was confronted by her having to pass her in the quad today. I am honest to God happy for her and her husband; they’re what you call good people, genuine people. I just wasn't ready to see it, if that makes sense. I am so close to the people that I work with that this is the first pregnancy at work in awhile. Upon approaching her we made small talk. I didn't realize how it bothered me. My co-worker and I turned to walk away, and out of my peripheral vision I could see my co-worker looking at me while tears welled up in my eyes. She said nothing, but she knows me so well that I know she knew what I was feeling. It's been different being around my God babies, they’re like the children I never had and it’s comforting rather than being uncomfortable. This is potentionally something that I could have gone through. I know, I didn't intend on keeping it. But things didn't happen on my terms and I was left picking up the pieces alone. I feel like I did something wrong to deserve this bad omen. When does the emotional recovery begin? I feel like this past week has been exceptionally hard. Why? I don’t know. I had to resort to a website to help me find the answer, but then again it’s selective to each individual. I went to: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/recovery.htm  

A natural miscarriage can take considerably longer. You may have to wait days or even a couple of weeks before the bleeding and cramping begin. (Don't go more than two weeks without talking to your doctor about possibly getting a D&C. Studies show the longer you carry a lost pregnancy, the more likely you are to get seriously depressed, and the more likely you may have physical complications.) The actual miscarriage may only take a few days, or may drag out over several weeks.

The emotional recovery is another story altogether. One thing I will point out immediately is that your level of sadness is not at all tied to how far along you were. Everyone will be surprised by their emotions. Some will be near absolute despair and wish to join their baby. Some will be unpleasantly numb and feel nothing at all. Most will swing somewhere in the middle, seemingly okay one minute, then sobbing as if it were only yesterday. All the stages of grief will almost always be visited. Shock, numbness, denial, anger, guilt, depression, and finally resolution are all emotions you will experience. They do not come in order; some stages may go on for many weeks and others only a few hours. No two people grieve the same, as you will quickly see when your partner does not react the same way as you do. Don't expect that you will "get over it" in a few weeks or even months. Don't assume that getting pregnant again will turn everything around. Don't give yourself a timetable. Just let the emotions come and go and try to keep your life going.

So, you ask, when WILL I feel better? In some ways, you never will. The complete innocence and pure joy of pregnancy will not come back. But you will feel better than you do right now. Your life will go on, you will try again, and you will survive. There is much more to happen in your life. You have to keep going to see what it is. Only when you look back on where you were will you see that you do indeed feel a little bit better. For more information on emotional recovery, see "How to Cope."

I guess for the moment I’ll have to live with, “Time heals all wounds…”

Where Did My Dreams Go?

As I've been working along today in a repetitive manner for this particular time of the year, I stopped for a moment to think. I think too much these days to my own detriment. But I was thinking about “him”, and it leads me to think further about other things, again over thinking things. Then I realized that I’ve not had a dream in a couple of months now. I use to dream so vividly, remembering throughout my day what I dreamt the night before… and often. I just realized that I lie down each night, am empty, and then wake. There’s a void. No colors, no déjà-vu dreams that I’ve dreamt many times before, no colors, nothing… there’s nothing there. I remember I couldn’t wait to sleep because I knew that I’d go off on some crazy trip in my subconscious that would awaken me, peek my curiosity when I awoke. Now there’s just… nothingness.

Breakdown

Breakdown - Seether
The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure


So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye


And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours


So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies


Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

Free

Alana Davis
I remember the long warm December we shared
I can still taste the air
You were open and I was hoping you cared
Hoping that you would be there for me
That's the way it was meant to


But I guess that your heart was free
Free to take the best part of me
And leave a hole where my heart should be
Where it used to be


Days are lonely and nights are only a veil
And the air is so stale
I'm still open but I guess you were hoping we'd fail
So you could sail away from me
And return to your open sea where I guess that you need to be
Where you can wander endlessly


Still you know that your heart was free
And you took the best part of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
Where you know it should be


You're for me, I'd have sworn that it was my destiny, oh yeah
But I know you were always free, free to be the best part of me
I'd have loved you endlessly with my heart and soul eternally, eternally
A love the way a love should be-ain't that the way a love should be?
You are free, free to give back the heart of me and replace all this misery


Since you took the best part of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
Where my heart should be

Why People Lie...

Now don't get me wrong, I've lied, told white lies... I mean who hasn't. BUT I've reached an age in my life that I no longer feel good about lying at people’s expense. I've been on the other end far too many times, and it hurts like hell! I am at a point in my life that I wouldn't want anyone to endure the pain I've endured over the last few months with lying. Now, I have become more deceptive rather than lying. This can be a gray area. Some call it misleading, hoodwinked, duped, fooled, others call it deluding, I call it deceptive. Unfortunately I can be good at it when cornered. Rather than feel the filth of lying, I choose to be deceptive. Some seem to think there isn't a difference between lying/deceiving, that it's a flawed doctrine. BUT I am entitled to my own opinion and how I see things! Now you can accidently deceive someone, but you can't accidently lie to someone. If you're lying to someone, you have to know you're doing it. I may not be lying, but I may deceive you. Now again, this is only when cornered. I don't make it my life’s work to lie and cheat my way into friendships, bars, bad situations like a handful of people I know. I mean, it HAS to become tiring living a constant lie with no friends and yet not really gaining any because a majority of the people sees right through you. Well, those with any true dignity. Have you ever had a "friend" that feels inferior to another person, is jealous of something their friend has but they don't, they might make up stories or situations so that they can get more attention? Unfortunately I know a person like this, I know many like this and it makes me feel dirty. It's truly sad. What's even sadder is that this person encourages it upon others... to lie that is. A much more troubling group is those who lie a lot — and knowingly — for personal gain. This fully applies to those people. Gahhh to shed a light on all of the lies would cause a complete shitstorm! BUT, I know with time it will all unravel itself. It doesn't need my help...


Nevertheless if you're curious about someone in your life lying to you. Take a gander at these things that could possibly expose this ball-less person:


1. Lack of eye contact or having eye contact, and consistently looking away is one way to determine if someone is being dishonest. However, it is important to understand that most people, especially men, know that this is an indication of lying, and they will work very hard to look at you directly even if they are being dishonest.


2. Researchers have indicated that moving the body while speaking in a suspicious manner many indicate that someone is not telling the truth. Examples of body language that may indicate this include moving the feet or legs, changes in skin color, acting in a nervous manner, and similar behaviors.


3. If you find that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend seems a bit on the defensive side, it may indicate that he is being dishonest. In some instances in which this occurs, the individual will go to extremes to turn the tables on you and accuse you of being the one that is dishonest. This may be a sign that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying.


4. A strong indication that the truth is not being told is when you approach your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend about one thing, and he/she quickly attempts to change the subject. In addition to this, if you are the one that changes the subject for a moment and your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying, he/she will go to that subject with ease. If the individual is being honest, they will more than likely want to continue discussing the issue.


5. Contradicting yourself: Making statements that just doesn’t hold together should make you suspicious. If you lie all the time, even about unimportant things, you are likely to have a problem that will eventually -- if it hasn’t already -- cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what is driving you to lie in the first place will help heal this self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to LIE. Last, but not least, if you find that you are listening to what you are being told, and something is not consistent, then the chance that it actually is, is probably relatively low.


While this is just a small list of items to be cautious of, these are the most common signs that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying.


Everybody lies. Some may only be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or “omits the truth” sometimes. Lying often gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it often impels you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves perpetrating more untruths to cover themselves. We hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth. Why do we dislike liars, especially sociopaths, so much? It’s a matter of trust. When a person lies, they have broken a bond – an unspoken agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated. Serious deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person again. Because the issue of trust is on the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best way to mend fences. If the truth only comes out once it is forced, repair of trust is far less likely.


Now... here's the difference between lying and bullshitting (I know both of these types, but fortunately for me I see right through them). One of my favorite (and many) books on my bookshelf, Harry G. Frankfurt’s On Bullshit:


. . . . The bullshitter may not deceive us, or even intend to do so, either about the facts or about what he takes the facts to be. What he does necessarily attempt to deceive us about is his enterprise. His only indispensably distinctive characteristic is that in a certain way he misrepresents what he is up to.


This is the crux of the distinction between him and the liar. Both he and the liar represent themselves falsely as endeavoring to communicate the truth. The success of each depends upon deceiving us about that. But the fact about himself that the liar hides is that he is attempting to lead us away from a correct apprehension of reality; we are not to know that he wants us to believe something he supposes to be false. The fact about himself that the bullshitter hides, on the other hand, is that the truth-values of his statements are of no central interest to him; what we are not to understand is that his intention is neither to report the truth not to conceal it. This does not mean that his speech is anarchically impulsive, but that the motive guiding and controlling it is unconcerned with how the things about which he speaks truly are. (54-55)

(You must purchase this small little book, it's worth it!)


Bottom line, lying can be a way of covering up our faults and not being accountable. Ideally we wouldn’t do things that need covering up, but when we mess up, we should “take our medicine” (when applicable). The belief that good deeds receive good karma, and bad deeds receive bad karma, covers so many religions that to pinhole a belief system is tough. In the Old Testament there is a passage in Ecclesiastes that reads, "There is a time to sew and a time to reap what has been sewn". There is another passage later in the same book that says, "How you reap is how you will see".


Don't get it twisted... I haven't always been the best that I could be towards people.  But as I've aged and have lost many good people in my life for the lies or the way I've treated someone because of not accepting responsibility for my actions, being a chickenshit, sly, manipulative, or a coward isn't worth it.  Be careful with how you treat others, life has a funny way of "paying you back"...

Gravity

Sara Bareilles - Gravity
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone


You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain


Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me


You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone


Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me


I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground


But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down


You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Friends & Relationships

Honesty (as defined by the American Heritage Dictionary):


1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

The Promise
I was told that I'd never be lied to, hurt, or cheated on...

Win/Lose Relationships
Many times people will give you their word only to break it the next day. The worst part of this is that it can become such a common event that, when you find someone who is honest and keeps his or her word, it is seen as a rarity. Being dishonest has even become a glorified process that can be seen just about every night on TV. What message is this really sending? “Hey, it’s no big deal if you’re dishonest and lie, as long as you get what you want!” This will only create a temporary win, because you are in a win/lose situation. In this case, you win in the short term while the other party loses. This is great for the winner for now, but in the long run, you can count on never gaining the trust and respect of the other party, and thus kill any future relationship you could have had. This win is not worth the future loss to your reputation.

Lose/Win Relationships
The next option is to give in to every need and demand of the other party, creating a lose/win situation. While this is great for the second party, it will create more stress for you than you need or deserve. We’ve all found ourselves in this position, and many of us are still living each day in compromised positions that we brought on ourselves. While the other party does not give it a second thought, you live each day thinking, “I should have said . . .” or “If I could do it again I would . . .” Well, you know something? You can always go back and make things right. You just have to have the courage to stand up for what you think is right. Most of us do not do this because it’s easier to live with the pain of the poor decision than it is to create another, better situation. You really need to ask yourself if this is wise. If you take a chance by trying to find a better balance in your relationship, the confrontation you think will take place probably won’t, and both you and the second party will walk away with a healthier relationship.

Win/Win Relationships
The last situation is win/win and is the best option for everyone. So why are there so few win/win solutions out there? To create a win/win solution requires work, communication, and the respect of both parties. There are many people out there who would rather just “give in” than state what they really feel. This is because they are scared of what the other party “might say or do.” The truly interesting thing here is that many would rather deal with the pain of being taken advantage of than the pain of finding a win/win solution. Do not give in when you feel you are being taken advantage of. When you feel there is no other solution, then you’re not looking hard enough. Granted, there are many people out there who would rather bully, upper hand, underhand, screw (or whatever you call it) anyone to get what they want. The biggest problem here is that if they get what they want (which is very unlikely), there will be nobody there to share it with, plus they will always feel like there is someone trying to take away what they have. The world has much to offer to everyone, and there will always be the greatest rewards for those who create the most win/win relationships throughout their lives. These win/win relations begin with keeping your word, doing what you say you will do, and treating everyone as you would like to be treated.

Fair weathered-friends
Fair-weather friends are the type of friends most of us don't look for, need and usually realize it all after a pattern appears in the behavior of this person who is genuinely considered your friend.
The friendship (or what you may believe is a friendship,) may start off decent and look like a promising long lasting friendship until you notice the trend they follow.
A fair-weather friend can be defined as somebody who is only around when things are going great, otherwise you won't hear from them.
Having a fair weather friend can be a very emotional and unpleasant experience. These are individuals who do not understand that friendship is a commitment. Unfortunately you might put significant amount of time and energy into a person before you realize that their motivation in your friendship is not pure or just. By this time you'll feel significant betrayal once you realize that you have wasted so much effort on a person who is completely selfish and incapable of being generous with their time, and cannot be committed to something that does not directly benefit them almost immediately. It may be initially very difficult to get over the emotions surrounding such a relationship, however you must acknowledge that you have saved yourself tremendous emotional stress because the majority of these individuals do not change without a severe wake-up call.
Therefore leaving these people behind gives you the ability to develop more meaningful relationships that are more balanced and fair. True friendship requires both people involved to be dedicated to the continued communication and maintenance of the relationship. You will eventually become tired if you are constantly doing the other persons work for them in regards to the relationship. Furthermore, they will become draining to you in regards to your energy and your willingness to constantly listen to their problems and the stress that they bring upon themselves by being a high drama individual (to which in my own defense I am not a "high drama" individual. I had a dramatic situation, but do not have drama in my day to day life, and have not for many many years).
Most conditional friends are jealous of your success. They do not want to hear that things are going well for you they pretend to be interested. When things are going well for you you try to be supportive of their difficulties, however when you have difficulties of your own they are nowhere to be found. This is very common in our generation which often does not have the ability to understand that longevity is a prerequisite to a successful friendship. This also has a negative impact on romantic relationships because very few people in this generation has the ability to understand that, minus and support in its most pure from our necessary for relationships to survive..
True friendship is based on communication as any relationship should be. Someone you only hear from when they need something is not a real friend. They are selfish people who lack social skills needed to have a proper friendship.
True friends will call you just to see how you are and don't mind spending an afternoon helping you out because they know you would do the same for them.
Friendships can be some of the most important relationships in your life aside from your partner or spouse. Friends can be there for you in many ways but respect from both ends is mandatory for the relationship to grow and flourish.

Deal with the Truth
What does all this have to do with keeping your word? It has everything to do with it. You have to know the nature of the relationship before you open your mouth and say something you will regret later. You need to take time and think before you speak. In today’s world, a person’s word means nothing. This is a very sad, yet true, thing. You really can’t trust what anyone tells you and need always to look out for your own best interests. However, there are still people out there who choose to keep their word no matter what the outcome. I feel a man is only as good as his word, and that is the way it should be. Honesty broken once will be broken forever. A lie is a lie, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a white lie or a huge monster lie. Either way, in my book, you’re a scumbag. Now just because I said you can’t trust anyone does not mean you have to be like everyone else. As the old saying goes, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?” You can be one of the few who are known as a trusted friend, business partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent, and spouse. This is not without its consequences. You have to be willing to deal with the truth. For many, it is much easier to lie than deal with the truth. The truth can be hard but can also free you. A lie is also hard, and you remain stuck with it. Nothing good can ever come of it. Look, I know many of you are thinking, “You don’t know my wife, you don’t know my boss—you don’t know my life.” Correct: I don’t know you and I’m not telling you to confess everything you do. If you get to work late, you don’t have to run up and tell your boss you were late—but it’s another thing to mark your time card as if you were there on time. There is a difference between not saying anything and telling a lie. That’s why we were all told as kids to keep our mouth shut until asked to speak...

Who are your friends?  And what types of relationships do you maintain?

Depression & Miscarriage--When enough is enough...

I apologize in advance that I am completely unwilling to pretend that I know all of the scienmatific names of all of the pregnancy hormones that especially play into natural pain relief during labor and delivery, to which I've never experienced.

Since my very recent miscarriage (three weeks ago this past Monday), I have been voraciously reading on the internet. I was telling a friend today that while my body is “purging” so unceremoniously, that my mind is going through a completely different healing process. I’m fired up. I’m mad. And I can’t distance myself from pregnancy and childbirth issues even though I’m no longer pregnant.

So what does this have to do with the title of my post? Perhaps nothing? I read an interesting post about “Good Birth Hormones” over at Empowering Birth Blog, and it got me to thinking . . . not that mine is a particularly well-crafted post . . . about hormones in miscarriage.


Monday I cracked. Or cracked up. My "ex-BOYfriend" dangled a carrot in front of me for months and didn't contribute emotionally, physically, anything over the last month. I called my OB/GYN that I saw five times in a week and a half during and following the week of the miscarriage. From what I gather, I’m going through post-partum depression. Well, isn’t that dandy. And it’s normal. There is not nearly enough information out there about the emotional effects of miscarriage. For some reason, people are still less likely to talk about miscarriage. I imagine those (men) who have never experienced this, nor some women would approve or understand this post.


I still need to post my miscarriage experience. But let me tell you the bad and ugly that comes with miscarriage hormones . . . at least what I experienced. Caution here! This is my experience which may be radically different from anyone else’s experience with miscarriage or neonatal death. Postpartum depression after miscarriage is a risk for some women, and it can be deadly.


After finding out about the pregnancy, I had no intention of keeping it (I apologize to the pro-lifers). Just know that going from a pregnant to a non-pregnant state accompanying a loss is [insert hyperbole] traumatic to your body, mind, and soul. He didn't/wouldn't want it because he "was too old", and I didn't want to have a child with someone who felt so strongly about not wanting that in his life. We told him about it. Instantly he felt that I was lying, possibly out of "desperation" for us to be back to normal... or to try to get his attention. I wasn't going for either, I just felt like at an almost 40 something, he should know. We were intimate, we shared something, and it was only fair to let the person I still love know. Two days later, I miscarried after telling him. I took my dog out for a walk. By the time we reached the door, it felt like I was urinating on myself. I immediately unlocked the door and ran in, and down the hall. I pulled my sweats down and there was blood all over my underwear and on the inside of my leg. For an instant, I felt the need to push and there was a loud "plop." I looked down and what one would think was a clot, wasn't. It was round, symmetrical, pseudo-transparent gray in color. I called my girlfriend, and she immediately came over. I left everything in the toilet as I ran to my other bathroom to shower because I felt dirty, and I didn't know if I was going to have to go to the ER. She got online looking for something to tell us what to do. We made several calls to multiple doctors that we know but no responses from anyone. I gingerly scooped out what came out of me and placed it in a cup completely covering it with aluminum foil because I didn't want to look at it again. She tucked me into bed with a handful of Midol and advised me to go to the nearest doctor that morning.


I woke up... cleaned myself up and proceeded to look for a doctor that could take me right away. I found one that would take me straight away, in addition my internist doctor would take me too. I went to him first, he gave me Naproxen and took blood work. After leaving there, I drove myself dizzily to Baptist with my cup from the night before in the cup holder. I get there and immediately they weigh me. I weighed 143 pounds. She does a pelvic exam, and my uterus is "swollen", and examines the specimen I brought in, it was in fact a miscarriage. (A woman’s body changes dramatically during pregnancy, tremendous adjustments also occur when a pregnancy ends through birth or miscarriage. The discussion of miscarriage it is important to recognize that whether the loss occurred naturally or medically assisted, the pregnancy has ended abruptly. The hormones which prepared a woman’s body to carry their baby and were sustained throughout the pregnancy swing dramatically causing a significant shift in her hormones. Such chemically induced mood swings make women emotional after the end of a pregnancy. Being irritable, angry, irrational, tired, tearful, and sometimes even a bit sad are fairly normal expressions as her body struggles to return to a pre-pregnant state. It is believed that approximately 10-15% of women experience a much more extreme reaction to the hormone changes.) She sent me down to the second floor to do more blood work. If I'm a negative blood type you have to have a Rhogam shot. That's, “Rh-negative”, and therefore your baby may be at risk for hemolytic disease of the newborn. This shot will also protect you or your next child. I knew that wasn't a possibility. You still have to have the shot even if you've miscarried. So I already had blood taken from one arm not even 20 minutes before, now they are taking from the other. I went back up to the office for the doctor to prescribe me pain pills for the horrible cramps I was experiencing, although after I passed the fetus there was no more blood. This was Tuesday. I drove myself back home to take something and pass out. I was in hell, and utterly alone. Wednesday was worse. I hadn't told my mother anything because it would break her heart (the guy that I fell in love with she did too, and me suffering alone without him being supportive), so I had to compose myself when she said that she was stopping by. I had cried for six days straight only stopping long enough to sleep or drive myself back to the hospital. Mom came and went looking at me skeptically but never saying anything. The pain grew worse. That Thursday morning I called the doctors office and they wanted me to come in ASAP. She was concerned that since I wasn't passing blood, that I might still have some of the pregnancy in my tube. They wanted to make sure it wasn't etopic. I arrived and she was extremely worried because I looked terrible. My sleeping pattern was altered as I slept only a couple three hours after having taken a pain pill. I was averaging about 4 hours a day. They weighed me, I weighed 135. I had lost 8 pounds in two days. I couldn't eat because everything smelled wretched. Nothing had tasted the way that I remembered. Before the miscarriage I remember having to unplug ALL of the plug ins because it was intensely strong. Before the pregnancy I couldn't smell them or thought they didn't smell strong enough. Nothing appealed to me, so in return I slept. I went to the office and they took more blood. I'd been poked three times in two days. Two in one arm and once in the other. She wanted me to make arrangements to go see a therapist or talk to someone... but I couldn't quite wrap my head around much of anything. All I could keep saying was, "why?" They sent me to another facility for the ultrasound. From there, I went back home hurting even worse from the vaginal wand moving about inside of me. It made the pain that much worse. I received a call and they said my count was down, but not completely down. I went back that Friday so she could check me over again, but not before she expressed more concern about my well being. My face gaunt, rapidly losing weight, crying non-stop. I weighed 133. I managed to lose two more pounds in a matter of 24 hours. I head to the store to go get pads as the doctor tells me my levels are dropping and she's sure I'm going to "pass" the rest of the miscarriage. She wanted to avoid doing the D&C if at all possible. She wanted my body to do it naturally. All the while my hormones are still all over the place. While on the phone standing in the middle of Rite Aid alone, blood begins to flow freely down my leg in the middle of the store. I'm in there so often they take care of me and get me out cleaned up. I go home and spend the rest of the weekend in fetal position still trying to wrap my head around anything and everything... Why did this happen to me? Why did he do this to me? Why do I deserve this? I had no answers, so all I could do was cry. I lay there bleeding profusely. I cried, and slept. That was it. Sunday rolls around and it's still horrible. It's not letting up and I'm dizzy, weak, and worried. I put a call into the office and the doctor on call calls me back. I tell her everything that's happened, and she tells me to come on in to the ER. I wrestled with the idea, but not before that Sunday evening after speaking to the doctor and finding out he was "dating" someone. Not "seeing" or "hanging out" as he told me, but "dating." The time that he was spending with her, should've been spent with the person he spent well over a year with while suffering a loss. Regardless of the circumstances of the loss, it's a loss nonetheless. I decided that I didn't want to go to the ER... alone. Alone the way I'd spent my entire week, and the month and a half before. Now none of you men will be able to comprehend, care, understand what I'm speaking about because you're incapable of getting pregnant, having our hormones go haywire, and suddenly losing them. It's a horrible experience... it's even worse when you're still experiencing it.


I made a conscience effort to make myself go to work that Monday. I go to work and decide to go see our guidance counselor. I spent most of my morning curled up on her sofa going through each and every detail of my experience from the past two weeks. Prior to the finding out I was pregnant and letting him know, to the loss of the pregnancy and the girl that's taken my place. I had to leave to go get more blood taken. They wanted to see me anyway since I didn't show up to the ER. The situation had already been humiliating, I told them that I couldn't bring myself to be there alone, and possibly be there overnight. My doctor did a pelvic and was still wanting to hold off on the D&C. I cried, and cried.... She wanted me to have more blood work as they wanted to make sure that I wasn't anemic since I was losing a lot of blood. I'd been stuck and stuck and it seemed like there was no end to what I was going through. The call the next day told me that I was, but she wanted to wait until I had another round of blood work to decide how we should handle the situation. The pain was still there, the flood of emotions was still raging through me, and I felt as though I was hanging by a small thread as I'm going through this alone. Now when I say alone, I mean in the sense of the man who contributed to the love affair that we had for well over a year is not present. I had friends, but they could only do, say just so much. they couldn't provide the comfort that I needed at this distressing time. It was not their position. I spent the weekend waiting for the next round of blood work and still trying to wrap my head around everything. When I was awake, I was hurt and angry... so I cried... I cried myself back to sleep because it was the only time I could find solace from the disruption of my life. My sleeping was off, I'd go to bed at ten, wake up at one, would be up until five, then sleep until seven. This was a daily thing for me for almost a month. I couldn't find a way to calm myself to stop thinking, to stop the hurt. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It was rocky. Tuesday rolls around and I head back to the hospital. I sat in the chair dreading the sting of the needle drive into my arm. Nothing was coming out, so she moved over a little to try again, still nothing. She moved further down my arm to try one more time and it was like a slow dripping faucet... The other vile(s) had already clotted and we were not getting anything into the third one. The phlebotomist asked if I had ate or drank anything. I hadn't... not since the evening before. Because I was dehydrated the blood would not flow. I would have to come back. they weighed me one more time, and it said 129. In a little over two weeks I had lost 14 pounds. I didn't go back. I'd had as much poking and prodding that I could possibly handle. I was weak physically and mentally. I was completely lost.


Having bled for nearly two and a half weeks (and just woke up to it yet again this morning), losing weight, mentally distraught was too much for anyone to handle. While all women experience physical changes in their bodies after a pregnancy ends affecting her mood, a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage faces another risk factor for serious postpartum depression. Not only must a woman endure the physical and psychological stresses that occur due to hormone changes, but they do so without any of the rewards that come with bringing their baby home choice or not. A woman may not have the support of her partner. She is trying to cope with not only her postpartum changes, but with the loss of a baby as well, choice or not.


With the end of any pregnancy, a wide variety of “normal” feelings may occur. In addition to being irritable, tired, and gloomy, much more distressing emotions may be experienced. A woman may not always be aware when her feelings have “gone too far”, and those surrounding her need to be alert to the risk of developing postpartum depression. Immediate recognition and treatment must occur for a grieving woman who displays signs of extreme nervousness or anxiety, expresses feelings of panic, persistent or irrational fears and thoughts, severe insomnia or nightmares or intense depression. All of which I've suffered or am still suffering. It has also been suggested that women who have had previous struggles with depression, endured infertility treatments, or are childless are at an even greater risk to develop this serious depressive disorder. None of those three have ever been an issue for me. I consciously made choices in my life to not have children as I felt I never had a man worthy of that part of me. Sure, I've been "depressed" but what "normal" person hasn't?
Postpartum depression can begin and spin out of control very quickly. It is considered a life threatening condition. It is however treatable and evidence suggests that professional intervention is effective in reducing or eliminating such intense emotions and behaviors.


Following the loss of a baby could be the time in a woman’s life when she needs a strong support system the most. Her world has been turned upside down and is intensified by tremendous hormonal changes. Those around her must recognize and respond quickly to this serious condition.

I will NOT apologize for my rash hour long behavior, I will NOT apologize for being the victim and not the villain as so many would like to see me, I will NOT apologize for being someone 20 some odd years ago that I am no longer today, and I will NOT apologize for those heartless ones that can't begin to comprehend the hell I've gone through for a month while they whisper behind my back.


My poor soul – it aches. It needs attention. The miscarriage’s affect on my soul is one that I haven’t been ready to deal with and it wasn't part of the "plan."  I sort of have a plan. When my body feels better, I’ll do some yoga... maybe. When my mind is less angry I’ll pray more and meditate (the Rosary has been particularly helpful for me in times of trial). I pray every night now which I’ve failed to do for years, but I wouldn’t say that these prayers are bringing any comfort. I don’t know what to really pray for – sure the generic “stuff” like healing, comfort, success next time, health, blah blah. But I don’t feel spiritually connected right now.


I’ll let you know how things progress. Every day since my miscarriage brings new emotions, thoughts, rationales, pains, pangs.


One last loosely related statement.


I HATE BEING A STATISTIC YET AGAIN!
I guess I should flesh that out . . . perhaps tomorrow.

He Doesn't Deserve Me...

he doesn't deserve me.


i know that that's what some people have been telling me for months, and i didn't know it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him.  he didn't want to be good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a long time, and then snatched it like a rug out from under my feet. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. who can accept things without feeling emasculated because someone cares enough to do the normal things one does in a good relationship.  i deserve a man who makes me happy.


and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, crying, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart, that kept it in his personal drawer with all of the other items i've ever given him. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find that someone who appreciates me, and who wants to love me. from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away. i'm letting go of him because i don't need someone who doesn't want me.


i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

The Pages of My Letters

This is the last time
I’m gonna write this down
I must admit I’ve gotten used to you
not being around
You were always better
In the pages of my letters


I don’t talk to God
the way that I used to
No hard feelings
He’s just got more important things to do
Then hear my broken records
And read it in the pages of my letters


You should know that I don’t blame you
For breaking it
And not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters


Guess that hardest part
Of all of this for me
Is that I was the one
Who built you up to be
Completely better
In the pages of my letters


You should know that I don’t blame you
For breaking it
And not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters


Think you’d want to know
When I didn’t know
Where to go
I would imagine what you’d say
Then I’d try to go along your way


I don’t blame you
For not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters