Back in November of ‘09 I had horrible pain in my neck, ear, and throat (I went to Lifesigns for a full physical and they caught it!). My boyfriend was unfazed that I was freaking out. His friends, (who now loathe me for no other reason than to "take sides") were offering me support as I waited for the biopsy results to come back regarding my thyroid. A week after the biopsy the doctor's assistant called to tell me that my blood work had come back normal. My thyroid levels were right in the middle of normal ranges, not even on the border. The thyroid itself was a little large (a cyst) and that we would monitor it over the next few months. I was confused because, by this time, I was experiencing unusual fatigue and headaches and just general malaise - just didn't feel like me. But I knew it wasn't cancer so I was just really baffled now about what was causing this. Knowing at this point that I couldn't really confide in my boyfriend regarding my worries, feelings because he was inept to deal with his own much less someone else’s, I just put it in the back of my mind, locked it away, and waited until they contacted me again for a follow up. By now it's January, things have worsen with my boyfriend and his "mental mid-life crisis breakdown" and it was now putting excessive strain on me. I did right by him and everything in our relationship... but it wasn't enough to help get him right in the head. February has approached and I found out I was pregnant. NOT GOOD TIMING. The boyfriend has now been seeing some "UGLY trashbag prostitution whore" from his work, and then I miscarry. Things were going south, and fast. Not only am I dealing with the break-up (because let's be honest here, it was just that because he's now seeing some 26 year old child from his work who's had her period a little over ten years longer than his daughter!), a miscarriage that I suffered/went through alone, and I am BEAT! I mean mentally, physically, and emotionally wiped. I'm really unsure of where the exhaustion stems from, but it's there and I'm on the verge of what I feel as to be dying! In the midst of this mess, I received a letter from the surgical clinic to come back for a follow up for an ultrasound and biopsy. Well HELL NO! I was already in Hell; I wasn't trying to deal with that mess on top of everything else. Well to my own detriment, I should've gone...
By the time I had the miscarriage, I noticed the “lump” in my throat had reappeared so to speak, or felt larger. It seemed like not too long after November, the pain and swelling in my neck went away or dissipated so I just assumed that the cyst was gone. Well it was back. I noticed the pain increasing as I spent weeks bleeding. Weird, I know. Then the pain in my neck/throat went away once the bleeding stopped. Then in the last few weeks the pain came back, but with a vengeance. Not only was my neck/throat killing me, but my arm, shoulder, and my hand felt like someone was straddling my back. My fingers began going numb and tingling… I just knew that I was going to have a heart attack. The pain was enough for me to call back my general surgeon and schedule an appointment. Of course they had to let me know I missed my last appointment… “yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m scheduling now”, I said. It was going to be a week later until I could get in for an ultrasound, biopsy, and to see the doc. I kicked my heels up with my friends but all the while was feeling beyond the “burning the candle at both ends” feelings. I was feeling absolutely terrible. Like I couldn’t function… Like I had taken cold meds all day long, drank, took some more, and throw in some pain pills that kind of run down. Even after “waking up” from my 5 shot Americano, I still felt exhausted. What the hell? Something is not right…
My OB/GYN made a small passing comment after the miscarriage to me about having issues with my thyroid can lead to miscarriages when I told her about the past November. I didn’t think much else about it until I began getting paranoid about my thyroid again, that was two weeks ago. I kept silent because I’ve had so much shit happen to me in the past three months, I did not want any friggin’ pity party bullshit. I did not want people making a big deal, and I certainly didn’t want those small minded people to have anymore ammunition against me thinking that I was seeking attention. That’s not me, that’s not who I am. I’ve kept a lot of my shit away from people specifically for that reason. But I realized those who can’t stop talking about me are the attention seekers themselves! Nevertheless my appointment was yesterday (4/28/10). I took the entire day off because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be there. I went in and sat down at the Imaging Registration Desk on the second floor of St. Thomas Hospital and notice that the lady helping me has a 3 inch scar across her neck. (I’ve begun noticing a lot of scars across ones neck when out. Kinda like the new car that you just bought, we now you see them everywhere, whereas before you never noticed them?) We began talking about my hair, blah, blah, blah and then I proceeded to discuss why I was there getting the ultrasound. She proceeds to tell me that she had part of her thyroid removed. It wasn’t cancerous, but it had a lesion so they decided to get rid of part of it. She said that she felt better, had her energy back, and was glad it happened. She wasn’t the first person I’ve known or heard about that has had thyroid surgery. One of my co-workers has had it, her daughter had it, and my doctor had his completely removed. This seems to be more common than not. So after we wrapped everything up I headed to the imaging waiting area for them to call my name. “Amelia?!” Really? After all these years’ people still refuse to look at how my name is spelled. Usually the lazy ones just omit the “i” and call me “Alma.” It still gets me… I follow the tech back and climb up on the table. We weren’t even a minute in and she’s clicking away. I’ve had my share of ultrasounds and I know when they’re clicking that much, those are necessary pictures to take. She took that wand off my throat for less than 10 seconds only to type some things onto the keyboard with both hands. I’m not stupid. She asked if I was seeing the doctor, and I told her I was headed up after she was through. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she would send a disk up to the front desk to take with me to the 5th floor. They called my name, got my disk, and headed upstairs!
I walked into the office and hand the chick at the desk my disk and she said I will be called back shortly. Shortly was short. I went into the room and immediately began to feel strange about what he was going to say. He walked in, looked at me and asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was feeling lethargic, my neck/throat was hurting, I sound like a man with a raspy tone, my shoulder and arm was killing me, and my finger tips would occasionally tingle. He turned around and said, “That’s exactly the same symptoms I had.” I just said, tell me what I need to know without breaking down and let’s get this over with. He then said, “we need to get it out… it’s grown significantly in size, it’s resting on your vocal box and has attached to some nerve endings. In addition there is a spot on the center of your thyroid, and a small area on the right side. We need to cut the left side out immediately. We will get your regulated on a replacement hormone, and we will need to get you on a calcium supplement consisting of 8 pills per day. But we will figure all of that out when that time comes. Now I’m going to get my secretary Amber to get you scheduled for surgery.” There were other things he said, larynx, trachea, etc., but I heard those key words that I was looking for without him saying that one word that I didn’t want to hear. Well, he did what I asked and with every word he told me what I didn’t want to hear in one word. Cancer. He walked out and a nurse came to get me to take me to his scheduler. I told her that it would have to be after Steeplechase because I already had the dress, hat, shoes, and ticket… so anytime after that would be great. May 14th.
As I walked to the truck I was nervous, but wasn’t upset. I was nervous about having to tell my mother because I didn’t tell her I was going back. I didn’t want to because I didn’t suspect anything wrong, especially after being told in November that we’d just monitor it. I sent a mass text to those that care/knew, and then called Mom. Surprisingly she wasn’t her normal self. She was calm, cool, and collected. We talked for a few minutes then hung up. She called me back 10 minutes later and said that she was coming to pick me up to take me to lunch. She did, and we had amazing Chinese at this place down Highway 96. We laughed about the past few days of fun that I’d had with Denise and our antics, and we talked about how good the food was. The only thing we did talk about from when I called her was if she or Pop could take me to the hospital that morning at 6:30 and take care of Zach throughout that day and overnight (yes, it’s an overnight stay… maybe two days).
So now I wait… I enjoy myself and blow it out over the next two weeks, and know that after it’s all said and done, I will be alright. To the dozens of you that’s been with me through ALL of this bullshit with the ex and up until now, I will never be able to thank you enough! I will keep you updated as “D Day” draws near! I'm gonna make cancer my BITCH!!!
My fortune from yesterday's lunch with my mom says it all!
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