Cancer Schmancer!

“Cancer” is a very scary word and it has different meanings for different people depending on their knowledge and life experience. I had learned that my type of thyroid cancer had an excellent prognosis and that the treatment - even the surgery itself - is really not as bad as it could be. One article had even said that "...if you have to have cancer this is the kind to have." OK, so I’m lucky after all. And there is still a chance, albeit a small one, that it wouldn't be cancer. I avoided telling those close to me the "C" word for fear that they'll feel "pity" which is something I don't want!

Back in November of ‘09 I had horrible pain in my neck, ear, and throat (I went to Lifesigns for a full physical and they caught it!). My boyfriend was unfazed that I was freaking out. His friends, (who now loathe me for no other reason than to "take sides") were offering me support as I waited for the biopsy results to come back regarding my thyroid. A week after the biopsy the doctor's assistant called to tell me that my blood work had come back normal. My thyroid levels were right in the middle of normal ranges, not even on the border. The thyroid itself was a little large (a cyst) and that we would monitor it over the next few months. I was confused because, by this time, I was experiencing unusual fatigue and headaches and just general malaise - just didn't feel like me. But I knew it wasn't cancer so I was just really baffled now about what was causing this. Knowing at this point that I couldn't really confide in my boyfriend regarding my worries, feelings because he was inept to deal with his own much less someone else’s, I just put it in the back of my mind, locked it away, and waited until they contacted me again for a follow up. By now it's January, things have worsen with my boyfriend and his "mental mid-life crisis breakdown" and it was now putting excessive strain on me. I did right by him and everything in our relationship... but it wasn't enough to help get him right in the head. February has approached and I found out I was pregnant. NOT GOOD TIMING. The boyfriend has now been seeing some "UGLY trashbag prostitution whore" from his work, and then I miscarry. Things were going south, and fast. Not only am I dealing with the break-up (because let's be honest here, it was just that because he's now seeing some 26 year old child from his work who's had her period a little over ten years longer than his daughter!), a miscarriage that I suffered/went through alone, and I am BEAT! I mean mentally, physically, and emotionally wiped. I'm really unsure of where the exhaustion stems from, but it's there and I'm on the verge of what I feel as to be dying! In the midst of this mess, I received a letter from the surgical clinic to come back for a follow up for an ultrasound and biopsy. Well HELL NO! I was already in Hell; I wasn't trying to deal with that mess on top of everything else. Well to my own detriment, I should've gone...

By the time I had the miscarriage, I noticed the “lump” in my throat had reappeared so to speak, or felt larger. It seemed like not too long after November, the pain and swelling in my neck went away or dissipated so I just assumed that the cyst was gone. Well it was back. I noticed the pain increasing as I spent weeks bleeding. Weird, I know. Then the pain in my neck/throat went away once the bleeding stopped. Then in the last few weeks the pain came back, but with a vengeance. Not only was my neck/throat killing me, but my arm, shoulder, and my hand felt like someone was straddling my back. My fingers began going numb and tingling… I just knew that I was going to have a heart attack. The pain was enough for me to call back my general surgeon and schedule an appointment. Of course they had to let me know I missed my last appointment… “yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m scheduling now”, I said. It was going to be a week later until I could get in for an ultrasound, biopsy, and to see the doc. I kicked my heels up with my friends but all the while was feeling beyond the “burning the candle at both ends” feelings. I was feeling absolutely terrible. Like I couldn’t function… Like I had taken cold meds all day long, drank, took some more, and throw in some pain pills that kind of run down. Even after “waking up” from my 5 shot Americano, I still felt exhausted. What the hell? Something is not right…

My OB/GYN made a small passing comment after the miscarriage to me about having issues with my thyroid can lead to miscarriages when I told her about the past November. I didn’t think much else about it until I began getting paranoid about my thyroid again, that was two weeks ago. I kept silent because I’ve had so much shit happen to me in the past three months, I did not want any friggin’ pity party bullshit. I did not want people making a big deal, and I certainly didn’t want those small minded people to have anymore ammunition against me thinking that I was seeking attention. That’s not me, that’s not who I am. I’ve kept a lot of my shit away from people specifically for that reason. But I realized those who can’t stop talking about me are the attention seekers themselves! Nevertheless my appointment was yesterday (4/28/10). I took the entire day off because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be there. I went in and sat down at the Imaging Registration Desk on the second floor of St. Thomas Hospital and notice that the lady helping me has a 3 inch scar across her neck. (I’ve begun noticing a lot of scars across ones neck when out. Kinda like the new car that you just bought, we now you see them everywhere, whereas before you never noticed them?) We began talking about my hair, blah, blah, blah and then I proceeded to discuss why I was there getting the ultrasound. She proceeds to tell me that she had part of her thyroid removed. It wasn’t cancerous, but it had a lesion so they decided to get rid of part of it. She said that she felt better, had her energy back, and was glad it happened. She wasn’t the first person I’ve known or heard about that has had thyroid surgery. One of my co-workers has had it, her daughter had it, and my doctor had his completely removed. This seems to be more common than not. So after we wrapped everything up I headed to the imaging waiting area for them to call my name. “Amelia?!” Really? After all these years’ people still refuse to look at how my name is spelled. Usually the lazy ones just omit the “i” and call me “Alma.” It still gets me… I follow the tech back and climb up on the table. We weren’t even a minute in and she’s clicking away. I’ve had my share of ultrasounds and I know when they’re clicking that much, those are necessary pictures to take. She took that wand off my throat for less than 10 seconds only to type some things onto the keyboard with both hands. I’m not stupid. She asked if I was seeing the doctor, and I told her I was headed up after she was through. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she would send a disk up to the front desk to take with me to the 5th floor. They called my name, got my disk, and headed upstairs!

I walked into the office and hand the chick at the desk my disk and she said I will be called back shortly. Shortly was short. I went into the room and immediately began to feel strange about what he was going to say. He walked in, looked at me and asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was feeling lethargic, my neck/throat was hurting, I sound like a man with a raspy tone, my shoulder and arm was killing me, and my finger tips would occasionally tingle. He turned around and said, “That’s exactly the same symptoms I had.” I just said, tell me what I need to know without breaking down and let’s get this over with. He then said, “we need to get it out… it’s grown significantly in size, it’s resting on your vocal box and has attached to some nerve endings. In addition there is a spot on the center of your thyroid, and a small area on the right side. We need to cut the left side out immediately. We will get your regulated on a replacement hormone, and we will need to get you on a calcium supplement consisting of 8 pills per day. But we will figure all of that out when that time comes. Now I’m going to get my secretary Amber to get you scheduled for surgery.” There were other things he said, larynx, trachea, etc., but I heard those key words that I was looking for without him saying that one word that I didn’t want to hear. Well, he did what I asked and with every word he told me what I didn’t want to hear in one word. Cancer. He walked out and a nurse came to get me to take me to his scheduler. I told her that it would have to be after Steeplechase because I already had the dress, hat, shoes, and ticket… so anytime after that would be great. May 14th.

As I walked to the truck I was nervous, but wasn’t upset. I was nervous about having to tell my mother because I didn’t tell her I was going back. I didn’t want to because I didn’t suspect anything wrong, especially after being told in November that we’d just monitor it. I sent a mass text to those that care/knew, and then called Mom. Surprisingly she wasn’t her normal self. She was calm, cool, and collected. We talked for a few minutes then hung up. She called me back 10 minutes later and said that she was coming to pick me up to take me to lunch. She did, and we had amazing Chinese at this place down Highway 96. We laughed about the past few days of fun that I’d had with Denise and our antics, and we talked about how good the food was. The only thing we did talk about from when I called her was if she or Pop could take me to the hospital that morning at 6:30 and take care of Zach throughout that day and overnight (yes, it’s an overnight stay… maybe two days).

So now I wait… I enjoy myself and blow it out over the next two weeks, and know that after it’s all said and done, I will be alright. To the dozens of you that’s been with me through ALL of this bullshit with the ex and up until now, I will never be able to thank you enough! I will keep you updated as “D Day” draws near!  I'm gonna make cancer my BITCH!!!

My fortune from yesterday's lunch with my mom says it all!

It Doesn't Seem to Stop For a Moment

I walk past the doorway for almost two months having not gone in. I've avoided that room every single day since February 15th. I had maintenance come fix the ceiling from a leak, but never entered once they were done. Today I entered it and didn't come out for over an hour. It was the hall/guest bathroom. There were still trails and droplets of blood on the floor that had been covered up by a bath mat. I treated that room as though it was an extension of the hallway wall, that there was no door that it didn't exist anymore. I needed to clean... I needed to clean that bathroom from the "construction" that had taken place, and the aftermath of a loss. I’ve always pride myself as being a strong woman, but for months now I’m weak. Today was an especially weak moment. Today was brutal. Today I lay on the droplet ridden floor and cried and I pain-stakingly rubbed and rubbed those dark rust colored stains off the floor. I didn’t want to for whatever reason, but I had to. I wanted to move from here, and never have to go in that room again. That room has been off limits to anyone besides maintenance. I tell people to use my bathroom in my bedroom that the hall bath doesn’t work. Over time I forgot about that room. The door stayed shut, and I looked at it as though it was merely the wall. Nothing but plaster and paint. Nothing more, nothing less. But today it was so much more. Today it was a flood of emotions, memories, and pain…

Separate Ways

Separate Ways - Teddy Thompson

Come rolling into town unaware

Of the power that you have over me

And what am I to do

With hello how are you

Nothing’s ever said that should be

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I’m turning into me, not you

I can change my mind not my blood

And not all who love are blind

Some of us are just too kind

We forgive too much

And never speak our minds

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I’m giving up on you

And I’ll turn my heart to something new

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

I stood out in the rain

Holding my breath

Waiting for you

You never came

You broke my heart

You broke my heart

I know who’s to blame

You’re to blame

And I don’t care about you

If you don’t care about me

We can go our separate ways

If you want to

The ties of love are strong

But they can be undone

And we’ll go our separate ways

If you want to

So sick of people telling me to get over it.

Why don't people understand that I just have a problem acting like my life is not affected and that some people heal at their own rate and time? It doesn't matter how long or how short you lasted, the thing is you were together and there were memories and that makes it hard... It's usually the small ones that pain the most... Small but the impact is huge, or the ones you never really thought of and then BANG!!! It all comes flooding back... How bout all the hopes for the future you held, its hard letting go of all that... It's not impossible, it’s just hard. When a person that you have loved and shared your most deepest thoughts, dreams, goals, friends ambitions and more leaves you, your life takes a crushing blow. I’m sure it can be very difficult for some and devastating for others like myself. But let me reiterate, not only did he leave me, but I had a miscarriage about a week apart, WHILE he was seeing someone else!!! It's been two months since the miscarriage, two months and a week since the split, and people keep telling me to just "get over it." Really? Just like that? You don't tell someone who's just gone into remission with cancer to, "just get over it." Or do you? Well "getting over it" is easier said than done my friend(s). It is the engraving that makes it so hard to get over someone. Especially if it was unconditional love. I have loved someone so much that it becomes impossible to forget him and move on. I have tried, consciously and unconsciously but all in vain. And sometimes I think, it doesn’t deserve to be forgotten... something’s are better when you keep them with you and you are better off with it too. The hardest part is that I respect myself unlike the rest of the party that's involved in "our" relationship. Somewhere along the line "our" relationship became distorted and it became "their" relationship.


So yes I have a problem "getting over it" call it pain, call it me dwelling over something I can't change, call it what you want I just can't get past it right now so why do they try to force me? Am I doing something wrong? Is two months too long to grieve? I don't dwell on it daily but certain things make me sad it may be for a moment it may be a day or two but not like I lay in bed and feel sorry for myself I get up and go go go with my life. Why can I not have those days, moments, or minutes to be sad? Please understand that I just won't "get over it" as you all expect me to do after two major losses in my life that actually meant something to me. Yes, people break up everyday. But people need to understand that I took my relationship and losses a bit more seriously than some do or ever get the pleasure of. So please, please stop asking, suggesting, assuming, or implying me to "just get over it."

I tell everyone I'm fine..but I'm not.

Maybe it's just how I deal. I tell everyone I'm fine, I'm over it, etc. but unexpected tears will come out of nowhere and I know deep inside I'm just not over it yet. Most think I should be “over it” (after almost two months), some even say, “Some people can’t handle life.” Maybe I can’t, maybe my wounds take a little longer than the “average” person to heal. Maybe my heart and mind were more involved in my relationship than most people are or care to be. I feel like a failure cause I couldn't carry a baby, that I couldn't keep a good relationship in tact, that I lost one of the few men that I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with. They told me when I first started here, "don't drink the water or you'll get pregnant!" A friend/co-worker just found out she was pregnant. I've been consciously avoiding her. I haven't been ready to congratulate her. I was confronted by her having to pass her in the quad today. I am honest to God happy for her and her husband; they’re what you call good people, genuine people. I just wasn't ready to see it, if that makes sense. I am so close to the people that I work with that this is the first pregnancy at work in awhile. Upon approaching her we made small talk. I didn't realize how it bothered me. My co-worker and I turned to walk away, and out of my peripheral vision I could see my co-worker looking at me while tears welled up in my eyes. She said nothing, but she knows me so well that I know she knew what I was feeling. It's been different being around my God babies, they’re like the children I never had and it’s comforting rather than being uncomfortable. This is potentionally something that I could have gone through. I know, I didn't intend on keeping it. But things didn't happen on my terms and I was left picking up the pieces alone. I feel like I did something wrong to deserve this bad omen. When does the emotional recovery begin? I feel like this past week has been exceptionally hard. Why? I don’t know. I had to resort to a website to help me find the answer, but then again it’s selective to each individual. I went to: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/recovery.htm  

A natural miscarriage can take considerably longer. You may have to wait days or even a couple of weeks before the bleeding and cramping begin. (Don't go more than two weeks without talking to your doctor about possibly getting a D&C. Studies show the longer you carry a lost pregnancy, the more likely you are to get seriously depressed, and the more likely you may have physical complications.) The actual miscarriage may only take a few days, or may drag out over several weeks.

The emotional recovery is another story altogether. One thing I will point out immediately is that your level of sadness is not at all tied to how far along you were. Everyone will be surprised by their emotions. Some will be near absolute despair and wish to join their baby. Some will be unpleasantly numb and feel nothing at all. Most will swing somewhere in the middle, seemingly okay one minute, then sobbing as if it were only yesterday. All the stages of grief will almost always be visited. Shock, numbness, denial, anger, guilt, depression, and finally resolution are all emotions you will experience. They do not come in order; some stages may go on for many weeks and others only a few hours. No two people grieve the same, as you will quickly see when your partner does not react the same way as you do. Don't expect that you will "get over it" in a few weeks or even months. Don't assume that getting pregnant again will turn everything around. Don't give yourself a timetable. Just let the emotions come and go and try to keep your life going.

So, you ask, when WILL I feel better? In some ways, you never will. The complete innocence and pure joy of pregnancy will not come back. But you will feel better than you do right now. Your life will go on, you will try again, and you will survive. There is much more to happen in your life. You have to keep going to see what it is. Only when you look back on where you were will you see that you do indeed feel a little bit better. For more information on emotional recovery, see "How to Cope."

I guess for the moment I’ll have to live with, “Time heals all wounds…”

Where Did My Dreams Go?

As I've been working along today in a repetitive manner for this particular time of the year, I stopped for a moment to think. I think too much these days to my own detriment. But I was thinking about “him”, and it leads me to think further about other things, again over thinking things. Then I realized that I’ve not had a dream in a couple of months now. I use to dream so vividly, remembering throughout my day what I dreamt the night before… and often. I just realized that I lie down each night, am empty, and then wake. There’s a void. No colors, no déjà-vu dreams that I’ve dreamt many times before, no colors, nothing… there’s nothing there. I remember I couldn’t wait to sleep because I knew that I’d go off on some crazy trip in my subconscious that would awaken me, peek my curiosity when I awoke. Now there’s just… nothingness.

Breakdown

Breakdown - Seether
The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure


So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye


And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours


So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies


Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

Free

Alana Davis
I remember the long warm December we shared
I can still taste the air
You were open and I was hoping you cared
Hoping that you would be there for me
That's the way it was meant to


But I guess that your heart was free
Free to take the best part of me
And leave a hole where my heart should be
Where it used to be


Days are lonely and nights are only a veil
And the air is so stale
I'm still open but I guess you were hoping we'd fail
So you could sail away from me
And return to your open sea where I guess that you need to be
Where you can wander endlessly


Still you know that your heart was free
And you took the best part of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
Where you know it should be


You're for me, I'd have sworn that it was my destiny, oh yeah
But I know you were always free, free to be the best part of me
I'd have loved you endlessly with my heart and soul eternally, eternally
A love the way a love should be-ain't that the way a love should be?
You are free, free to give back the heart of me and replace all this misery


Since you took the best part of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
Where my heart should be

Why People Lie...

Now don't get me wrong, I've lied, told white lies... I mean who hasn't. BUT I've reached an age in my life that I no longer feel good about lying at people’s expense. I've been on the other end far too many times, and it hurts like hell! I am at a point in my life that I wouldn't want anyone to endure the pain I've endured over the last few months with lying. Now, I have become more deceptive rather than lying. This can be a gray area. Some call it misleading, hoodwinked, duped, fooled, others call it deluding, I call it deceptive. Unfortunately I can be good at it when cornered. Rather than feel the filth of lying, I choose to be deceptive. Some seem to think there isn't a difference between lying/deceiving, that it's a flawed doctrine. BUT I am entitled to my own opinion and how I see things! Now you can accidently deceive someone, but you can't accidently lie to someone. If you're lying to someone, you have to know you're doing it. I may not be lying, but I may deceive you. Now again, this is only when cornered. I don't make it my life’s work to lie and cheat my way into friendships, bars, bad situations like a handful of people I know. I mean, it HAS to become tiring living a constant lie with no friends and yet not really gaining any because a majority of the people sees right through you. Well, those with any true dignity. Have you ever had a "friend" that feels inferior to another person, is jealous of something their friend has but they don't, they might make up stories or situations so that they can get more attention? Unfortunately I know a person like this, I know many like this and it makes me feel dirty. It's truly sad. What's even sadder is that this person encourages it upon others... to lie that is. A much more troubling group is those who lie a lot — and knowingly — for personal gain. This fully applies to those people. Gahhh to shed a light on all of the lies would cause a complete shitstorm! BUT, I know with time it will all unravel itself. It doesn't need my help...


Nevertheless if you're curious about someone in your life lying to you. Take a gander at these things that could possibly expose this ball-less person:


1. Lack of eye contact or having eye contact, and consistently looking away is one way to determine if someone is being dishonest. However, it is important to understand that most people, especially men, know that this is an indication of lying, and they will work very hard to look at you directly even if they are being dishonest.


2. Researchers have indicated that moving the body while speaking in a suspicious manner many indicate that someone is not telling the truth. Examples of body language that may indicate this include moving the feet or legs, changes in skin color, acting in a nervous manner, and similar behaviors.


3. If you find that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend seems a bit on the defensive side, it may indicate that he is being dishonest. In some instances in which this occurs, the individual will go to extremes to turn the tables on you and accuse you of being the one that is dishonest. This may be a sign that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying.


4. A strong indication that the truth is not being told is when you approach your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend about one thing, and he/she quickly attempts to change the subject. In addition to this, if you are the one that changes the subject for a moment and your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying, he/she will go to that subject with ease. If the individual is being honest, they will more than likely want to continue discussing the issue.


5. Contradicting yourself: Making statements that just doesn’t hold together should make you suspicious. If you lie all the time, even about unimportant things, you are likely to have a problem that will eventually -- if it hasn’t already -- cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what is driving you to lie in the first place will help heal this self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to LIE. Last, but not least, if you find that you are listening to what you are being told, and something is not consistent, then the chance that it actually is, is probably relatively low.


While this is just a small list of items to be cautious of, these are the most common signs that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend is lying.


Everybody lies. Some may only be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or “omits the truth” sometimes. Lying often gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it often impels you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves perpetrating more untruths to cover themselves. We hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth. Why do we dislike liars, especially sociopaths, so much? It’s a matter of trust. When a person lies, they have broken a bond – an unspoken agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated. Serious deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person again. Because the issue of trust is on the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best way to mend fences. If the truth only comes out once it is forced, repair of trust is far less likely.


Now... here's the difference between lying and bullshitting (I know both of these types, but fortunately for me I see right through them). One of my favorite (and many) books on my bookshelf, Harry G. Frankfurt’s On Bullshit:


. . . . The bullshitter may not deceive us, or even intend to do so, either about the facts or about what he takes the facts to be. What he does necessarily attempt to deceive us about is his enterprise. His only indispensably distinctive characteristic is that in a certain way he misrepresents what he is up to.


This is the crux of the distinction between him and the liar. Both he and the liar represent themselves falsely as endeavoring to communicate the truth. The success of each depends upon deceiving us about that. But the fact about himself that the liar hides is that he is attempting to lead us away from a correct apprehension of reality; we are not to know that he wants us to believe something he supposes to be false. The fact about himself that the bullshitter hides, on the other hand, is that the truth-values of his statements are of no central interest to him; what we are not to understand is that his intention is neither to report the truth not to conceal it. This does not mean that his speech is anarchically impulsive, but that the motive guiding and controlling it is unconcerned with how the things about which he speaks truly are. (54-55)

(You must purchase this small little book, it's worth it!)


Bottom line, lying can be a way of covering up our faults and not being accountable. Ideally we wouldn’t do things that need covering up, but when we mess up, we should “take our medicine” (when applicable). The belief that good deeds receive good karma, and bad deeds receive bad karma, covers so many religions that to pinhole a belief system is tough. In the Old Testament there is a passage in Ecclesiastes that reads, "There is a time to sew and a time to reap what has been sewn". There is another passage later in the same book that says, "How you reap is how you will see".


Don't get it twisted... I haven't always been the best that I could be towards people.  But as I've aged and have lost many good people in my life for the lies or the way I've treated someone because of not accepting responsibility for my actions, being a chickenshit, sly, manipulative, or a coward isn't worth it.  Be careful with how you treat others, life has a funny way of "paying you back"...