Gravity

Sara Bareilles - Gravity
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone


You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain


Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me


You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone


Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me


I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground


But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down


You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Friends & Relationships

Honesty (as defined by the American Heritage Dictionary):


1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

The Promise
I was told that I'd never be lied to, hurt, or cheated on...

Win/Lose Relationships
Many times people will give you their word only to break it the next day. The worst part of this is that it can become such a common event that, when you find someone who is honest and keeps his or her word, it is seen as a rarity. Being dishonest has even become a glorified process that can be seen just about every night on TV. What message is this really sending? “Hey, it’s no big deal if you’re dishonest and lie, as long as you get what you want!” This will only create a temporary win, because you are in a win/lose situation. In this case, you win in the short term while the other party loses. This is great for the winner for now, but in the long run, you can count on never gaining the trust and respect of the other party, and thus kill any future relationship you could have had. This win is not worth the future loss to your reputation.

Lose/Win Relationships
The next option is to give in to every need and demand of the other party, creating a lose/win situation. While this is great for the second party, it will create more stress for you than you need or deserve. We’ve all found ourselves in this position, and many of us are still living each day in compromised positions that we brought on ourselves. While the other party does not give it a second thought, you live each day thinking, “I should have said . . .” or “If I could do it again I would . . .” Well, you know something? You can always go back and make things right. You just have to have the courage to stand up for what you think is right. Most of us do not do this because it’s easier to live with the pain of the poor decision than it is to create another, better situation. You really need to ask yourself if this is wise. If you take a chance by trying to find a better balance in your relationship, the confrontation you think will take place probably won’t, and both you and the second party will walk away with a healthier relationship.

Win/Win Relationships
The last situation is win/win and is the best option for everyone. So why are there so few win/win solutions out there? To create a win/win solution requires work, communication, and the respect of both parties. There are many people out there who would rather just “give in” than state what they really feel. This is because they are scared of what the other party “might say or do.” The truly interesting thing here is that many would rather deal with the pain of being taken advantage of than the pain of finding a win/win solution. Do not give in when you feel you are being taken advantage of. When you feel there is no other solution, then you’re not looking hard enough. Granted, there are many people out there who would rather bully, upper hand, underhand, screw (or whatever you call it) anyone to get what they want. The biggest problem here is that if they get what they want (which is very unlikely), there will be nobody there to share it with, plus they will always feel like there is someone trying to take away what they have. The world has much to offer to everyone, and there will always be the greatest rewards for those who create the most win/win relationships throughout their lives. These win/win relations begin with keeping your word, doing what you say you will do, and treating everyone as you would like to be treated.

Fair weathered-friends
Fair-weather friends are the type of friends most of us don't look for, need and usually realize it all after a pattern appears in the behavior of this person who is genuinely considered your friend.
The friendship (or what you may believe is a friendship,) may start off decent and look like a promising long lasting friendship until you notice the trend they follow.
A fair-weather friend can be defined as somebody who is only around when things are going great, otherwise you won't hear from them.
Having a fair weather friend can be a very emotional and unpleasant experience. These are individuals who do not understand that friendship is a commitment. Unfortunately you might put significant amount of time and energy into a person before you realize that their motivation in your friendship is not pure or just. By this time you'll feel significant betrayal once you realize that you have wasted so much effort on a person who is completely selfish and incapable of being generous with their time, and cannot be committed to something that does not directly benefit them almost immediately. It may be initially very difficult to get over the emotions surrounding such a relationship, however you must acknowledge that you have saved yourself tremendous emotional stress because the majority of these individuals do not change without a severe wake-up call.
Therefore leaving these people behind gives you the ability to develop more meaningful relationships that are more balanced and fair. True friendship requires both people involved to be dedicated to the continued communication and maintenance of the relationship. You will eventually become tired if you are constantly doing the other persons work for them in regards to the relationship. Furthermore, they will become draining to you in regards to your energy and your willingness to constantly listen to their problems and the stress that they bring upon themselves by being a high drama individual (to which in my own defense I am not a "high drama" individual. I had a dramatic situation, but do not have drama in my day to day life, and have not for many many years).
Most conditional friends are jealous of your success. They do not want to hear that things are going well for you they pretend to be interested. When things are going well for you you try to be supportive of their difficulties, however when you have difficulties of your own they are nowhere to be found. This is very common in our generation which often does not have the ability to understand that longevity is a prerequisite to a successful friendship. This also has a negative impact on romantic relationships because very few people in this generation has the ability to understand that, minus and support in its most pure from our necessary for relationships to survive..
True friendship is based on communication as any relationship should be. Someone you only hear from when they need something is not a real friend. They are selfish people who lack social skills needed to have a proper friendship.
True friends will call you just to see how you are and don't mind spending an afternoon helping you out because they know you would do the same for them.
Friendships can be some of the most important relationships in your life aside from your partner or spouse. Friends can be there for you in many ways but respect from both ends is mandatory for the relationship to grow and flourish.

Deal with the Truth
What does all this have to do with keeping your word? It has everything to do with it. You have to know the nature of the relationship before you open your mouth and say something you will regret later. You need to take time and think before you speak. In today’s world, a person’s word means nothing. This is a very sad, yet true, thing. You really can’t trust what anyone tells you and need always to look out for your own best interests. However, there are still people out there who choose to keep their word no matter what the outcome. I feel a man is only as good as his word, and that is the way it should be. Honesty broken once will be broken forever. A lie is a lie, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a white lie or a huge monster lie. Either way, in my book, you’re a scumbag. Now just because I said you can’t trust anyone does not mean you have to be like everyone else. As the old saying goes, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?” You can be one of the few who are known as a trusted friend, business partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent, and spouse. This is not without its consequences. You have to be willing to deal with the truth. For many, it is much easier to lie than deal with the truth. The truth can be hard but can also free you. A lie is also hard, and you remain stuck with it. Nothing good can ever come of it. Look, I know many of you are thinking, “You don’t know my wife, you don’t know my boss—you don’t know my life.” Correct: I don’t know you and I’m not telling you to confess everything you do. If you get to work late, you don’t have to run up and tell your boss you were late—but it’s another thing to mark your time card as if you were there on time. There is a difference between not saying anything and telling a lie. That’s why we were all told as kids to keep our mouth shut until asked to speak...

Who are your friends?  And what types of relationships do you maintain?

Depression & Miscarriage--When enough is enough...

I apologize in advance that I am completely unwilling to pretend that I know all of the scienmatific names of all of the pregnancy hormones that especially play into natural pain relief during labor and delivery, to which I've never experienced.

Since my very recent miscarriage (three weeks ago this past Monday), I have been voraciously reading on the internet. I was telling a friend today that while my body is “purging” so unceremoniously, that my mind is going through a completely different healing process. I’m fired up. I’m mad. And I can’t distance myself from pregnancy and childbirth issues even though I’m no longer pregnant.

So what does this have to do with the title of my post? Perhaps nothing? I read an interesting post about “Good Birth Hormones” over at Empowering Birth Blog, and it got me to thinking . . . not that mine is a particularly well-crafted post . . . about hormones in miscarriage.


Monday I cracked. Or cracked up. My "ex-BOYfriend" dangled a carrot in front of me for months and didn't contribute emotionally, physically, anything over the last month. I called my OB/GYN that I saw five times in a week and a half during and following the week of the miscarriage. From what I gather, I’m going through post-partum depression. Well, isn’t that dandy. And it’s normal. There is not nearly enough information out there about the emotional effects of miscarriage. For some reason, people are still less likely to talk about miscarriage. I imagine those (men) who have never experienced this, nor some women would approve or understand this post.


I still need to post my miscarriage experience. But let me tell you the bad and ugly that comes with miscarriage hormones . . . at least what I experienced. Caution here! This is my experience which may be radically different from anyone else’s experience with miscarriage or neonatal death. Postpartum depression after miscarriage is a risk for some women, and it can be deadly.


After finding out about the pregnancy, I had no intention of keeping it (I apologize to the pro-lifers). Just know that going from a pregnant to a non-pregnant state accompanying a loss is [insert hyperbole] traumatic to your body, mind, and soul. He didn't/wouldn't want it because he "was too old", and I didn't want to have a child with someone who felt so strongly about not wanting that in his life. We told him about it. Instantly he felt that I was lying, possibly out of "desperation" for us to be back to normal... or to try to get his attention. I wasn't going for either, I just felt like at an almost 40 something, he should know. We were intimate, we shared something, and it was only fair to let the person I still love know. Two days later, I miscarried after telling him. I took my dog out for a walk. By the time we reached the door, it felt like I was urinating on myself. I immediately unlocked the door and ran in, and down the hall. I pulled my sweats down and there was blood all over my underwear and on the inside of my leg. For an instant, I felt the need to push and there was a loud "plop." I looked down and what one would think was a clot, wasn't. It was round, symmetrical, pseudo-transparent gray in color. I called my girlfriend, and she immediately came over. I left everything in the toilet as I ran to my other bathroom to shower because I felt dirty, and I didn't know if I was going to have to go to the ER. She got online looking for something to tell us what to do. We made several calls to multiple doctors that we know but no responses from anyone. I gingerly scooped out what came out of me and placed it in a cup completely covering it with aluminum foil because I didn't want to look at it again. She tucked me into bed with a handful of Midol and advised me to go to the nearest doctor that morning.


I woke up... cleaned myself up and proceeded to look for a doctor that could take me right away. I found one that would take me straight away, in addition my internist doctor would take me too. I went to him first, he gave me Naproxen and took blood work. After leaving there, I drove myself dizzily to Baptist with my cup from the night before in the cup holder. I get there and immediately they weigh me. I weighed 143 pounds. She does a pelvic exam, and my uterus is "swollen", and examines the specimen I brought in, it was in fact a miscarriage. (A woman’s body changes dramatically during pregnancy, tremendous adjustments also occur when a pregnancy ends through birth or miscarriage. The discussion of miscarriage it is important to recognize that whether the loss occurred naturally or medically assisted, the pregnancy has ended abruptly. The hormones which prepared a woman’s body to carry their baby and were sustained throughout the pregnancy swing dramatically causing a significant shift in her hormones. Such chemically induced mood swings make women emotional after the end of a pregnancy. Being irritable, angry, irrational, tired, tearful, and sometimes even a bit sad are fairly normal expressions as her body struggles to return to a pre-pregnant state. It is believed that approximately 10-15% of women experience a much more extreme reaction to the hormone changes.) She sent me down to the second floor to do more blood work. If I'm a negative blood type you have to have a Rhogam shot. That's, “Rh-negative”, and therefore your baby may be at risk for hemolytic disease of the newborn. This shot will also protect you or your next child. I knew that wasn't a possibility. You still have to have the shot even if you've miscarried. So I already had blood taken from one arm not even 20 minutes before, now they are taking from the other. I went back up to the office for the doctor to prescribe me pain pills for the horrible cramps I was experiencing, although after I passed the fetus there was no more blood. This was Tuesday. I drove myself back home to take something and pass out. I was in hell, and utterly alone. Wednesday was worse. I hadn't told my mother anything because it would break her heart (the guy that I fell in love with she did too, and me suffering alone without him being supportive), so I had to compose myself when she said that she was stopping by. I had cried for six days straight only stopping long enough to sleep or drive myself back to the hospital. Mom came and went looking at me skeptically but never saying anything. The pain grew worse. That Thursday morning I called the doctors office and they wanted me to come in ASAP. She was concerned that since I wasn't passing blood, that I might still have some of the pregnancy in my tube. They wanted to make sure it wasn't etopic. I arrived and she was extremely worried because I looked terrible. My sleeping pattern was altered as I slept only a couple three hours after having taken a pain pill. I was averaging about 4 hours a day. They weighed me, I weighed 135. I had lost 8 pounds in two days. I couldn't eat because everything smelled wretched. Nothing had tasted the way that I remembered. Before the miscarriage I remember having to unplug ALL of the plug ins because it was intensely strong. Before the pregnancy I couldn't smell them or thought they didn't smell strong enough. Nothing appealed to me, so in return I slept. I went to the office and they took more blood. I'd been poked three times in two days. Two in one arm and once in the other. She wanted me to make arrangements to go see a therapist or talk to someone... but I couldn't quite wrap my head around much of anything. All I could keep saying was, "why?" They sent me to another facility for the ultrasound. From there, I went back home hurting even worse from the vaginal wand moving about inside of me. It made the pain that much worse. I received a call and they said my count was down, but not completely down. I went back that Friday so she could check me over again, but not before she expressed more concern about my well being. My face gaunt, rapidly losing weight, crying non-stop. I weighed 133. I managed to lose two more pounds in a matter of 24 hours. I head to the store to go get pads as the doctor tells me my levels are dropping and she's sure I'm going to "pass" the rest of the miscarriage. She wanted to avoid doing the D&C if at all possible. She wanted my body to do it naturally. All the while my hormones are still all over the place. While on the phone standing in the middle of Rite Aid alone, blood begins to flow freely down my leg in the middle of the store. I'm in there so often they take care of me and get me out cleaned up. I go home and spend the rest of the weekend in fetal position still trying to wrap my head around anything and everything... Why did this happen to me? Why did he do this to me? Why do I deserve this? I had no answers, so all I could do was cry. I lay there bleeding profusely. I cried, and slept. That was it. Sunday rolls around and it's still horrible. It's not letting up and I'm dizzy, weak, and worried. I put a call into the office and the doctor on call calls me back. I tell her everything that's happened, and she tells me to come on in to the ER. I wrestled with the idea, but not before that Sunday evening after speaking to the doctor and finding out he was "dating" someone. Not "seeing" or "hanging out" as he told me, but "dating." The time that he was spending with her, should've been spent with the person he spent well over a year with while suffering a loss. Regardless of the circumstances of the loss, it's a loss nonetheless. I decided that I didn't want to go to the ER... alone. Alone the way I'd spent my entire week, and the month and a half before. Now none of you men will be able to comprehend, care, understand what I'm speaking about because you're incapable of getting pregnant, having our hormones go haywire, and suddenly losing them. It's a horrible experience... it's even worse when you're still experiencing it.


I made a conscience effort to make myself go to work that Monday. I go to work and decide to go see our guidance counselor. I spent most of my morning curled up on her sofa going through each and every detail of my experience from the past two weeks. Prior to the finding out I was pregnant and letting him know, to the loss of the pregnancy and the girl that's taken my place. I had to leave to go get more blood taken. They wanted to see me anyway since I didn't show up to the ER. The situation had already been humiliating, I told them that I couldn't bring myself to be there alone, and possibly be there overnight. My doctor did a pelvic and was still wanting to hold off on the D&C. I cried, and cried.... She wanted me to have more blood work as they wanted to make sure that I wasn't anemic since I was losing a lot of blood. I'd been stuck and stuck and it seemed like there was no end to what I was going through. The call the next day told me that I was, but she wanted to wait until I had another round of blood work to decide how we should handle the situation. The pain was still there, the flood of emotions was still raging through me, and I felt as though I was hanging by a small thread as I'm going through this alone. Now when I say alone, I mean in the sense of the man who contributed to the love affair that we had for well over a year is not present. I had friends, but they could only do, say just so much. they couldn't provide the comfort that I needed at this distressing time. It was not their position. I spent the weekend waiting for the next round of blood work and still trying to wrap my head around everything. When I was awake, I was hurt and angry... so I cried... I cried myself back to sleep because it was the only time I could find solace from the disruption of my life. My sleeping was off, I'd go to bed at ten, wake up at one, would be up until five, then sleep until seven. This was a daily thing for me for almost a month. I couldn't find a way to calm myself to stop thinking, to stop the hurt. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It was rocky. Tuesday rolls around and I head back to the hospital. I sat in the chair dreading the sting of the needle drive into my arm. Nothing was coming out, so she moved over a little to try again, still nothing. She moved further down my arm to try one more time and it was like a slow dripping faucet... The other vile(s) had already clotted and we were not getting anything into the third one. The phlebotomist asked if I had ate or drank anything. I hadn't... not since the evening before. Because I was dehydrated the blood would not flow. I would have to come back. they weighed me one more time, and it said 129. In a little over two weeks I had lost 14 pounds. I didn't go back. I'd had as much poking and prodding that I could possibly handle. I was weak physically and mentally. I was completely lost.


Having bled for nearly two and a half weeks (and just woke up to it yet again this morning), losing weight, mentally distraught was too much for anyone to handle. While all women experience physical changes in their bodies after a pregnancy ends affecting her mood, a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage faces another risk factor for serious postpartum depression. Not only must a woman endure the physical and psychological stresses that occur due to hormone changes, but they do so without any of the rewards that come with bringing their baby home choice or not. A woman may not have the support of her partner. She is trying to cope with not only her postpartum changes, but with the loss of a baby as well, choice or not.


With the end of any pregnancy, a wide variety of “normal” feelings may occur. In addition to being irritable, tired, and gloomy, much more distressing emotions may be experienced. A woman may not always be aware when her feelings have “gone too far”, and those surrounding her need to be alert to the risk of developing postpartum depression. Immediate recognition and treatment must occur for a grieving woman who displays signs of extreme nervousness or anxiety, expresses feelings of panic, persistent or irrational fears and thoughts, severe insomnia or nightmares or intense depression. All of which I've suffered or am still suffering. It has also been suggested that women who have had previous struggles with depression, endured infertility treatments, or are childless are at an even greater risk to develop this serious depressive disorder. None of those three have ever been an issue for me. I consciously made choices in my life to not have children as I felt I never had a man worthy of that part of me. Sure, I've been "depressed" but what "normal" person hasn't?
Postpartum depression can begin and spin out of control very quickly. It is considered a life threatening condition. It is however treatable and evidence suggests that professional intervention is effective in reducing or eliminating such intense emotions and behaviors.


Following the loss of a baby could be the time in a woman’s life when she needs a strong support system the most. Her world has been turned upside down and is intensified by tremendous hormonal changes. Those around her must recognize and respond quickly to this serious condition.

I will NOT apologize for my rash hour long behavior, I will NOT apologize for being the victim and not the villain as so many would like to see me, I will NOT apologize for being someone 20 some odd years ago that I am no longer today, and I will NOT apologize for those heartless ones that can't begin to comprehend the hell I've gone through for a month while they whisper behind my back.


My poor soul – it aches. It needs attention. The miscarriage’s affect on my soul is one that I haven’t been ready to deal with and it wasn't part of the "plan."  I sort of have a plan. When my body feels better, I’ll do some yoga... maybe. When my mind is less angry I’ll pray more and meditate (the Rosary has been particularly helpful for me in times of trial). I pray every night now which I’ve failed to do for years, but I wouldn’t say that these prayers are bringing any comfort. I don’t know what to really pray for – sure the generic “stuff” like healing, comfort, success next time, health, blah blah. But I don’t feel spiritually connected right now.


I’ll let you know how things progress. Every day since my miscarriage brings new emotions, thoughts, rationales, pains, pangs.


One last loosely related statement.


I HATE BEING A STATISTIC YET AGAIN!
I guess I should flesh that out . . . perhaps tomorrow.

He Doesn't Deserve Me...

he doesn't deserve me.


i know that that's what some people have been telling me for months, and i didn't know it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him.  he didn't want to be good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a long time, and then snatched it like a rug out from under my feet. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. who can accept things without feeling emasculated because someone cares enough to do the normal things one does in a good relationship.  i deserve a man who makes me happy.


and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, crying, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart, that kept it in his personal drawer with all of the other items i've ever given him. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find that someone who appreciates me, and who wants to love me. from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away. i'm letting go of him because i don't need someone who doesn't want me.


i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

The Pages of My Letters

This is the last time
I’m gonna write this down
I must admit I’ve gotten used to you
not being around
You were always better
In the pages of my letters


I don’t talk to God
the way that I used to
No hard feelings
He’s just got more important things to do
Then hear my broken records
And read it in the pages of my letters


You should know that I don’t blame you
For breaking it
And not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters


Guess that hardest part
Of all of this for me
Is that I was the one
Who built you up to be
Completely better
In the pages of my letters


You should know that I don’t blame you
For breaking it
And not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters


Think you’d want to know
When I didn’t know
Where to go
I would imagine what you’d say
Then I’d try to go along your way


I don’t blame you
For not following through
Somewhere I know it’s true
That to be with you
Could never measure
To the pages of my letters

Why?

One year and three months = 10957.266 hours.
For me it was a time of up`s, a couple of down`s and inbetweens.
The moments you showed me how important I was for you and how much I loved you were incredible.
The moments you demonstrated that you were superior and that I meant nothing were ......hell.
I always fought for you and made things work. Because even if it doesn`t work out it still was worth it, that`s what my mother taught me. On Christmas you told me you loved me and wanted to work for our relationship but to be honest you never really have.
Not when you left me when I had my thyroid scare, not when you left me when I had a miscarriage and not when you left me because we had a long distant vacation less than 12 miles away.
I am not a masochist and I know that you are a good person. The question that I keep asking myself is why you couldn't show it to me. Why are you so scared of love? Why can`t you try to work on your baggage that you carry around with you.
I know what a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and special person I am. Why can`t you see that?
Someone once said:'I will accept you for who you are, not for how I want you to be.'
Maybe I could never accept how you were because I knew your potential. I know that this could have been a great love story.
So now that`s it`s over and I know better why is it bugging me so much. Why do I bother with the fact that I want you to show me how important I am to you because I know I am.
I really want to call, write or send smoke signals but I know that is a bad idea. I am hurt and my imagination of love has been shattered in some way that`s why I am scared of saying more that I will regret.
But at the same time you will never call me or write to me. You will ... you won`t do anything.
I need to let go completely. It hurts so bad.
This is written by the Optimist for her so called Realist.
Too bad you didn`t try, you don`t know what you`re going to miss one day.
Whether it's six months from now, or six years. You had the cream of the crop.

It Happens Everyday, Part 2

Wednesday were sometimes mixed up with Thursdays. Sometimes he had worked late, or we were both too tired that we put it off until the next day. It was all good because I knew that I got to see him on a weekend night, and week night. We didn’t see each other like most couples do, so our couple of days per week was something to look forward to. He was a long time out of a bad marriage, slept around for a spell, and then I happened into the picture. I told myself I’d never date a dude that was ever married/divorced, and had children. That’s more baggage than what I wanted. But he was different, Patrick made me feel unlike I’ve ever felt before. I’ve had my share of boyfriends that I claimed to love, and I’ve cried and felt hopeless when we broke up, but this was something entirely different that I was feeling. It was late April of 2009 and while making love, he whispered in my ear, “There’s something I want to tell you…” I looked up at him lovingly and said, “Yes.” He said over and over, “I love you, I love you…” I would’ve fainted if I wasn’t already lying down. I was indeed in love, and it felt AMAZING. I didn’t think it was possible to feel like that. It’s indescribable. My friends, co-workers, everyone saw that I was a changed woman. He made such the difference in my life that a strange unfamiliar calm washed over me. I wasn’t the “hostile/angry” Alima that some know me as, I was a new person. All of the “I love yous” that I said all of the years before couldn’t match what I was feeling, living. We were good together, we had our own rhythm, we finished each others sentences, we had an amazing connection that was evident in the very beginning, and we laughed a LOT. I wanted to give this man the world for the love that he showed me, gave me. I wanted to give him everything that I could! I wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. Attention, love, sex, compassion, support… I wanted to give him things that I didn’t know how to give. He was giving me more than anything you could buy in this world. I doted on every move that he made…. He hung the moon for me. I still got butterflies each and every time I saw him. He was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… miniscule flaws and all. He accepted me for me. I wanted him to be the first thing I woke up to every morning, and the last thing when I went to bed every day for the rest of my life It doesn’t get much better than this. My friends and family use to tell me that they could see how I looked at him in my pictures, in person and knew that I was a changed woman. That somehow someone had broken through the hard shell and got to the gooey insides. . I was new… every ion in my body was new. Just thinking back makes me lightheaded…

We spent quite a bit of time at our friends’ camp on the TN River. We were cooking every weekend, grilling, just having hang time with our friends. It became routine. Every time the weekend would roll around, we’d ask each other, “What are we cooking tonight?” It was so refreshing to be on the same page with someone. We decided to take a vacation. I hadn’t given myself one in almost seven years, so I was completely jazzed to do so this (particular) year. We talked about us going, and finally I just decided that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I was so worried because none of our friends were coming along and I was concerned that he would become bored with me, lose interest, or just plain not have a good time. I was so concerned. I got a great deal for a condo right on the beach, 100 yards away from the water. It was perfect! We got extra early, and he came to get me. The sun wasn’t up yet but I was wired! I was so excited that I was pretty goofy! He set the Garmin, and we headed down 65. I was being absolutely silly, minding everything out the window. The sun slowly began to rise while we were in Alabama and it was time for breakfast! We stopped off at a Cracker Barrel around 7 that morning, filled up, and headed back out. I had never laughed so hard until we came to Butler , Alabama . The GPS was acting up. We literally drove around in a circle for ten minutes. Patrick was furious, and I was trying NOT to laugh because it was making him that much angrier. By the time we got out of our little “web”, and got our bearing back… we were Destin bound. Once he calmed down, he referred to the Garmin as the “Bitch in a Box.” It still cracks me up to this day. We finally arrived to our beach hide-away just shy of noon. But not before I had MY meltdown. There was a small box outside of the door. Well I couldn’t find it, and it was hot as HELL out there. We looked around everything, picking up stuff. I was sweating and pissed. Well after about 10 minutes of doing all of that, we realized that we were poking around the wrong door. :o/ Once we went to our door; there was the little box outside of the door that held our key. He called me pissy when we got in. I nicknamed him “PP.” PP was a term of endearment. If meant, “Pissy Patty”, or “Pretty Patty”, “Pouty Patty” (one of my favorites), and anything else I could come up with. He called me PP once we got in. We dumped our stuff and headed out to eat. It was lunchtime and we were starving! We headed right around the corner for something small then came back to the condo to head to the pool. This was the first time I’d put on a swimsuit in probably 7 years! I was not happy about it! I reluctantly put it on. If it weren’t so damn hot, I would’ve gotten out there in a t-shirt and shorts! We took it all in. After we got our fill of the sun, we headed in to get cleaned up to head to dinner. Crab legs! Oysters! We were ready for it all! We hit AJ’s and every little boat bar along the Harborwalk. We even stopped to take a picture that turned out to actually be a really good one. We got more and more tanked and decided to head back to the condo. It wasn’t even 8, and we passed out! Every morning there after consisted of Patrick getting up to make coffee, then breakfast, then he’d look at me and ask, “Beach or pool?” It was perfect. We were officially on the senior citizens schedule and loving every minute of it. No hurry, no rushing, just meandering about for a week. It was wonderful. By the week end, Michael Jackson had died, and it was time to come back home. We packed our belongings, had our last big dinner at Pompano Joe’s, and went back for our last night in Destin. That morning we rose early, loaded the car, and headed to bring some shrimp back home, and Waffle House. We were heading back home… :(

To be continued…

So Hard to Love

"I'm fighting with my head and my heart
All the reasons you think we'll fall apart
You can hold me and in circles we'll crawl
Chasing tails, feeling nothing at all
Oh am I, so hard to love?
Am I so hard to love?

If you can't better this
Then it's not all that good
I know it's been short
But maybe I've stayed longer than I really should

I'm storming, steeping up through my head
I should leave now, but I'm waiting instead
For a new day, for a version of you
That will love me, displacing my blue
Oh, am I so hard to love?
Am I so hard to love?

If you can't better this
Then it's not all that good
I know it's been short
But maybe I stayed longer than I really should

At the edge of courage
I could stand here all night long
And say nothing
Oh, nothing

I'm fighting with my head and my heart
All the reasons I know we'll fall apart
Am I so hard to love?
Am I so hard to love?"